Bits &Pieces of thoughts .. Me.

Things of the past

2008-12-24T04:25:00.002+11:00

With the coming of the 31st Dec, i cant help but look back.
Things of the past: -

Looking through a friends blog and wondering if it was a stupid decision to not take up opportunities to go further.
reminiscing about old times with old friends.. and catching up and who's with who doing what with what.
an old grudge that was never quite said, settled or explained but definitely not over.
some secrets that you learn later on that were never quite fully revealed.

Mostly, i find myself accompanied by the feeling of regret this time of the year. Wondering whether i should have done more, seen more, gotten to know more people and traveled more. Am i doing enough? What more do i want? Mmm.. sounds so greedy.

Of course, then the mind wonders forward- to what lies ahead. The job, the place, the friends, the love?

I was somewhat 'inspired' by an ex-classmate recently when we met up. The way he had it all planned and the drive to do it. But why- do i want my life planned out like that? and dont i somewhat already have it planned out? Perhaps its just the plan which has the most prestige and $$ that entices, or the feeling that i could have more if i planned it out well.

The resistance to put myself in a place where i find regret once again.

But if you never knew you could have it, You'd never regret it.

Looking back..

2008-09-19T10:17:00.003+10:00

Ooh.
I think that when we reminisce of things that have past, only the good bits come into focus. We forget the anxieties, the little irritating things and so on. Unless you're thinking of a bad gut wrenching moment.

Packing up for a 2 week break.
Got a job. Got my pay. Got more shopping done.
- getting out now?

Did what i believe was an interesting art piece for a friend. Which started of as a transfer-image thing but ended up as something else.
I love it.

What do you call it? Wanting/regreting not getting something only to find that when its in front of you its not that fantastic after all? Great expectations. Ha.

I need time- to sit down on the side a bit.

In every direction

2008-08-18T04:41:00.003+10:00

Having one of those days where i feel like im not doing enough and i want to do just about everything.

Must focus. Can't just splurge out to do a zillion different things and end up doing none.
There is stuff. But i'm just not looking at what i already have.

There are:-

The malay dances, and hence the upcoming malay movie - which i hope will be enjoyable.
The pursuit of the casual job
The constant uni subjects and endless readings
The IH musical -which i hope will not flop

and.. a keeping a look out for opportunities along the way.

HEADS UP~!!

Su’s Musing : Loneliness

2007-12-17T09:03:00.000+11:00

These are the basic needs of mankind: food, water & shelter. Once these basic necessities are met, as theorized by Maslow, we move up the hierarchy of needs to the next level: social needs.

Watching ‘I Am Legend’, which turned out to be somewhat of a horror show, last night, I was struck by one scene in the movie in which Will Smith, having lost his only companion –his dog, talks to a mannequin pleading her to respond back to him. The desperation that arises in wanting to have someone else when you realize that you are all alone is something we all recognize innately, despite the strong independent fronts some of us put up. I don’t mean having some alone time where you can reflect on things you’ve done, plan what to do next or just lie down to read a book, I’m talking about being absolutely abandoned where you have no one to talk to, no one around you and no one to come for you. Truly, what is there to do once we are by ourselves?

And so, this longing drives us to find a social group where we find support emotionally and physically. Some need only a single person to be there at the end of the day- a husband, some need many to float to and from like a butterfly and some opt for the constantly changing partners – slu.. g. (ha, no not in that manner, but more of having different close friends of the moment). Stepping out of doomsday movies into reality, we are face with many choices on socializing; the depth, the frequency, the duration and so much more.

It is at this point that I look at my own life and identify the friends I’ve had: the ones kept, the ones lost, the new ones made, the ones in the outer circle. I realize that the ones I consider my closest friends are actually the ones who’ve conveniently been around me for a long time. I’m not reducing the friendship to something less, but the main reason it happened was because it was convenient. Let’s face it, would we have any of our friends unless it was convenient? Except for one or two, it was a matter of same time, same place. The ones that still remain despite long dormant periods have their foundations from a moment when a connection was felt during the time of acquaintance. This of course requires mutual yearning to have the link continue. If not it is futile. You’d just be talking to very uninterested wall of a person. And I don’t think you should quite reduce yourself to beg for a response- no we’re not quite at Will’s situation yet, no thank you.

For most of my friends, I can identify why or when we (or maybe just me) decided – yes, this person is going to be a good friend of mine. It all seems so superficial when you break it down to that.

If we really had all the time in the world to know heaps more people… would we still be friends with the people we are? Given more options, given more time. Would TheY still want to be friends with us? What are we missing out on? Would they really help me out if I was in trouble? Yeah. I don’t know.

Im ToTAlly PumPed!!

2007-08-14T22:56:00.000+10:00

I was super ENERGETIC&HYPER today!!

But now im sitting in front of my lappie thinking what work to begin with first.

Work today was for 4 hours! with a stomach filled with just 2 bites of my packed sandwich. Well done, Su !

Spent time at the dinner table being restless, talking nonsense - poor TuTu i was just bugging her all evening psychobabbling. Roamed around the floors of my building visitng people, seeing who lived where, various rooms, talking to people sitting in corridors, seeing the rehearsal for a scene i'm not in.. Before that was playing it out on the piano to avoid annoying Tu further, singing once HengLin came by to play proper music, watching Michael do Poi.. ( this waving ribbons on the end of a string thing- i can do it too! like simple weaving motion, Yeah!)

Now.. back to uni work.
Goodness me, for some of the subjects, i have no idea what sort of questions they're gonna ask and how i'll be able to answer them. Seriously.. sigh.

Nothing like studying to bring u crashing back down to earth.

- -

Upcoming stuff, tiredness & photos..

2007-08-13T17:35:00.000+10:00

I'm suppose to go for a dance practice in less than an hour. Its the opening act of the first ever Australia-Malaysia Film Fest.

I'm in the college musical and was at the publicity booth for an hour today. I chalked ads on the sidewalks the other day. And i most probably have practice at 9 later.

I went to the gym today. I am now a member for 2 weeks. I also went for street latin dance class for an hour at another part of uni.

I have an IFA tutorial tmr. After which i have to go to work for 4 hours.

I went to the bank today. Applied for a credit card and extended credit so i could pay fees. I paid $1800 of fees to college today. And im paying more tmr.

I have 2 weeks of OB reading to do. I have a chapter of Corporations Law to read. I have a corp law tutorial tmr after the lecture, which i do not really need to prepare for thank goodness.

OKAY!

From New Zealand..

My little snowman~~!! Wheeeeeee..e.e.e.e.ee.e. there was snow EVERYWHEREEEEE!!!!

The four of us who went... Zed, Yien, Me and Jian.

Abt.. Tiredness

- Didn't sleep to well last night. Kept waking up through the night. Really didnt want to wake up in the morning. Had to drag myself out.

Hoping for a good night's sleep tonight.

2007-07-26T17:28:00.000+10:00

JUNXI!!

His name was JUNXI!!

Replays

2007-07-24T23:40:00.000+10:00

Clicking the replay button on the MP3 player while i was snuggled down under the covers. Familiar chords of John Mayer come on and i hear me singing in a little girlie pitch voice the intro verse of 'No Such Thing'.

I miss you guys So MUCH. HEAPS. So sorry but i cant remember the other dude's name right now who sang with us at prom.. but i can remember what you sound & look like and how your house is. Ah, listening to the fantastic piano accompaniment.. burst out laughing hearing the sudden "OI" coming from RuoLin when i sang off-key.. -MISS YOU ROOMIE!!- haha.. hearing kim's HAHAHA at the end of the recording..

EVERYONE.. EVERYONE from those days.. AH.
Even the Duck-Oon.. . . and those AH-TEN-TiON-PLEASE announcements..
Even the silly Wake Up Tone Alarm thingy.. . ..

Being locked up together..
Never again will anything close to that happen.

Post-Exam..

2007-07-06T22:54:00.000+10:00

Exams ended 2 weeks ago- that was pretty fast.
Results were out today, and i cant say i was too happy, but i definitely wasnt disappointed with them. Not really.
WEll its done, and i dont want to think about it anymore.

Suddenly felt this wave of nostalgia wash over for a moment.. random memories flashed through, fleeting. They weren't in order, jumping back and forth from my years. Don't know what they had in common to link them up.. perhaps moments which were.. intense? impactful?

On a more positive note, YayyYY.. heading of to NewZealand this Wednesday for a SNOWBOARDing Trip!! WheeE.. Its Gonna be FReeEEezing! Madness!! Just yesterday, we went for a pre-trip trip to Mt Buller here in Melb just to let me get an introduction to snowboarding and for Zed to get the feel of snowboarding again. Haha.. needless to say i fell down heaps of times.. seriously; back, front, side, slide.

Getting up this morning to go to work was a pain.. but not as bad as i knew it COULD have been thanks to knee pads!! [thanks for buying em' for me!]. Aoh.. im telling you, there was just one point while i was up on the slope by myself, sitting down cos i felt tired from picking myself up, the sun had just come out of the clouds and was shining down, reflecting off on the falling snow with the trees in the backgroud. It was just beautiful.

Working again tmr. Hope its a good day. Better start planning for the trip.

We're GONNA HAVE A BLAST!!

Money money money..

2007-05-11T22:22:00.000+10:00

YAYyyY!! i went shopping today!!

.. and i also just calculated how much ive drawn out of my account this semester..

= $ 981 !!

19 more and it'll be a thousand! muaahha.. considering my food is provided in the college..
just HOW OFTEN have i BEEN going OUT ?!!?

oops.

Restlessness

2007-03-31T23:47:00.000+10:00

Hah. I was just about to blog about how ive lost touch with the asean family, when ben ben msgs. Then i realised also ive just mailed kim, elaine, piggy and haven replied alex's sms and thomad's mail. Great going there Su, feelg restless? How bout catchin up with some old friends?

Yeah, feeling restless here cos i seem to be so unproductive while there seems to be so much going on here. Hmm.. but everyones has their own groups and seems impolite to barge in. Wellwell.. im kinda in a zoned out mood anyway.

BUT.. Feeling LOTS better!! and missing ALL YOU GUYS back in Singapore, TMN TUN, .. randoms strays in NZ, UK and Sydney.. heh. yes.. even XL. who knows why?

Off to bed, gotta wake up at 5 !

WHeeEeeEeeEeeeeeeee ..

Whats (written about whats) going on inside..

2006-12-03T21:21:00.000+11:00

After reading 2 blogs of friends, i realised hey.. wow, i never knew she thought that way. Then the obvious, overstated fact rings in my head:- there are so much more to people than just what you see. Or in the way they act and what they say. Blogging.. lets you know whats going on in their heads as well, thoughts/observations. Yet.. its written meant for the public eye.. an author clearly aware of the fact surely will not bare all but choose to filter words or project a certain image and even maybe manipulate this fact to their favour?

Sometimes i forget how much i have and should be gratefull for. Sometimes , when the subject comes up we get so sick talking about it with our perceptions already in place. Sometimes i just get so bored with everything around me.

Then i read someone's blog post. Particularly this friend whom i was really close with back when i was 13/14 but let the friendship fall during the later years. There was a bit of friction when we were 17. When i look her life and shout outs to her friends.. i get envious. Then i realise, i have all this too. I just perhaps dont appreciate it as much as she does and i dont let other people know.

And not seeing, being tired of things, sometimes makes you act like a bitch and you let go of the things you have. I want friends who will last. I want to be able to look back 20 years and still be able to just pick up the phone and talk to them like how it was. I want to know that they'll be there and them to know that i'll be there as well.

I do. I know i do. I just didn't see.

Maybe one day i'll let her know how she's helped me in this indirect way and how much i wished we were on good terms. But then again, maybe if we were, i wouldnt give a damn.

Home for summer...

2006-11-30T05:11:00.000+11:00

Its great to be back! ;)

Day O : unloaded all food stuff. Family was suitably happy. i was happy. Aircon room, queen size bed to myself. Mmmm .

Day 1 : Ate nasi lemak for breakfast. Walked to nearby shops, taking in changes in area.

Day 2 : Morning walk with dad. Church. Jian picked me up. Baptism for future sister-in-law. Quick catch up with church people. Lunch, both families. Went out with Alex & Benben!TGIF food.. yumm. Drove em both back. Never quite driven so far before.

Day 3: Movie, Happy Feet with mummy. Simply ADORABLE! Found my roller blades which parents bought for me 8 years ago! Oiled em up, went about area. Nice on smooth tar road.

Day 4: Discussion bout upcoming church camp. Some mache mask making involving balloons. Lunch with parents. Visit to Erik's.. haha.. played Winning Eleven... 'wrong direction Su!! just X, press X!!'

Day 5: Slept in till late. Mother questions ability to wake up for early classes. [wont lar.. got Tutu luckily!] Dad on mc. Painting masks. Drawing poster thing. Making mini guest book model. Bladed around again.. mmm and DIDNT FALL! almost.. but didnt. Drink with Aaron, Joyce joins us, off to Erik's. Ended up sitting in her merc just talking, parked outside home. Read mail - one of which said i DID NOT UPdaTe my blog. Blogged.

Affected

2006-11-07T13:28:00.000+11:00

The little things that make me feel like poo poo.
i get worked up when : -

i see photos displayed on blogs that dont include me even tho i was there.

a person i like very much as a friend doesnt like me back

a person starts talking to someone else when im midsentence replying him on something he said

someone cuts off anyone else who was talking halfway through a story

other friends who are not-as-close-to-you-as-i-am keep getting mentioned in your blog

i cant remember the last line i read in bloody-ALC workbook when i just read it ten seconds ago

im trying my best not to get worked up but i do anyway

Argh.

Getting things done to get there.

2006-10-31T16:45:00.000+11:00

'... and i cant help but ask myself how much i'll let the fear, take the wheel and steer. '

I wish i could always carry out things the way i plan them. If only i had that desire and zest to do what is needed to get what i want. That energy;- passion, excitement, enthusiasm. The motivation/ inspiration.

' .. whatever you want to do is possible, its just a matter of how badly you want it.'

Like what im suppose to be doing now : studying. Okay, bad example maybe.. how many people do you know who actually LIKE studying? Sure, many love accumulating knowledge [ and then many more love showing it off ] but studying for an exam... come on.

There is passion. Then there is obssession.

There is drive.

Would you love doing something if you were not good in it?

Would you love doing something just because you were good in it?

{{{Honestly, take a pause here and think. What do you like doing?

You're good at doing that aren't you.. But what if you're not, still lovin' it? }}}

What if you thought you were good in it, but discovered you were not at least by other people's standards.. STILL love doing it?

' they can say anything they want to say, try to bring me down ..

But i refuse to falter in what i believe or lose faith in my dreams. '

Strive, then fail.
Strive VERY hard, and fail.

Stop trying, and just realise you're not cut out for it ... or is it a not-trying-hard-enough-situation ?
Because, if you keep on trying hard enough, you WILL succeed.

'get rich or die trying.. '

Default win situation.
If you just persist, eventually one day, you will get it. or just die before that.

We all know where we would like to be. Dream to be. Few struggle to get there. Others forget and settle for less. Others "accept" reality. Short term/ Long term.

'Climb every mountain, ford every stream

Follow every rainbow till you find your dream.'

In the end.. does it matter?

Emotions.

2006-09-05T23:00:00.000+10:00

Random thought: - i love emoticons.

Its so much easier to just hate than to feel guilty. Guess cause when you're angry at someone, the blame is on someone else and you can live with that. But when its on yourself, even if only a little bit, its so much harder to accept- to acknowledge that u did something wrong.

This scene from the movie just comes to mind . .

" Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.. "

Darn. Could i also get a silver ring with that?

Falling into routine..

2006-08-16T15:52:00.000+10:00

Week 4 begins, and in fact is coming to an end soon. Like the title says, i'm starting to get used to all this.. the sights and sounds of the walk to uni, the wait for pedastrian lights to turn green, the rushing from one building to another in uni.. waking up in the morning after listening to the aussie DJs on the radio for half an hour.

The residential college is a great place, a social base. Its good to just walk about in uni and just be able to greet people whose faces u recognise from IH. Having friends just a minutes walk away is especially usefull.. when needing to borrow stuff or just seeking company. The foosball n pool table in the lounge is also fantastic when having found free time at hand.

The only thing im not getting used too is all the reading n work i have to do on my own accord. No one checks, no one follows up. Its just you, for yourself. Soon soon... getting there la. Had the first test, and did alright with 12.4 out of 15. NOt great, but alright. Wish i could have done better, but its okay.

More or less have a group of friends here now, and its only been a month, but theres already drama. Guy A & Guy B like Girl C but then someone from outside the group, Girl D admits to liking Guy B- couple of days after he tells her that he has a thing for Girl C. And all this is shared knowledge among A,B & C. Yeah well, okay.. interesting LIFE.

My 2 girlfrens and i were just talking about these 2 guys who we feel uncomfortable around. True that they behave rather odd, but i was also wondering if what we thought was also due to the fact that people had also said that they WERE weird people. Its like a pre-notion planted inside.. like if people hadnt said that they were really ODD, would i think of them this way now? Yes. BUt maybe not so much. Maybe it has to do with the whole tokok-tambah thing.. or pointing it out, just makes u notice it more. Or maybe, now that we're settling in, we have less tolerance, less politeness, less insecurity about self to want to ignore and accept their manners.

Ah, must remember to be polite. must be nice. must not Scream and run away.

Brr.. its cold in here.

2006-07-26T20:39:00.000+10:00

Yes, im in my room n its cold. Even tho i've got the rectangular heater thing against the wall, it still is cos' the glass panes aren't properly "rubbered" to the frame and i can feel a draft. Hence, the shoved bedsheet at the bottom of the pane which is of tiny significance.

Remember the story of the 2 frogs; one which was placed into a pot of boiling water and the other that had the water slowly heated up till boiling point? Well, frogs have the abilty to match their surrounding temperature given time, so while the first frog leapt out of the hot water immediately, the second one didnt feel the change in temperature at all, till it was too late and became boiled frog.

Being placed into a new environment, i must say, is somewhat of a shock, but not really. Like, i knew there were a lot of asians, but i didnt expect THIS many. I knew drinking was a norm here, but i didnt think so abundantly. Lotsa other things, that i knew, but still was shocked. The whole making friends all over again thing. i get impatient at times, wanting to get to knew the WHole person faster, but it takes time. I want to settle in quick, to know everything like the back of my hand, to be able to move around with ease, to have people i can run to when i need to. i want to be able to talk to the new people as how i talked to the old people about everything and anything, laughing at the similar things.

Lectures just started and i have to get used to running around the campus. Dont quite know my way around yet. Been shopping and bought a coat, have to get used to the prices. Walking around a lot, have to go get more shoes that look good as well as feel good. Met lotsa people, finding the right ones to hang out with and stuff. I remember, when i first started out in class in Singapore, had to keep changing groups within class till i found the most suitable one.

Thank goodness ive found 2 good frens so far, michelle and zi. Makes me kinda feel like the 2nd frog. Except i dont get boiled.

Next stop: Melbourne

2006-07-11T21:51:00.000+10:00

The question has been answered. Australia as the next destination. Pretty much have just 3 days left..

Met some friends at the nearby mamak, 2 diff groups of school friends. Met up with the first bunch at 11.. then later with the other at 12 plus.. While they are all nice people and catching up/ reminiscing was enjoyable, i think about how people always say the 'niceties' that you KNOW will never come true. Its kinda like the break-ups where they go ' we'll still be friends, keep in touch and call each other out' , then never speak to each other ever again. Or how about that friend who always speaks to you as if you're her best friend in the world, how much she misses you, how often she thinks of you, how fond she is of the memories shared; but in actual fact isnt exactly that close in the first place, doesnt bother to write, cant be bothered calling. Am i just taking her way too seriously or reading too much into what she says or having too HIGH a judgement of what is deemed as a close friendship?

Better to just be polite and feign the feel-good feeling? Is there even any value in that.. Maybe its just a polite thing to do or to make yourself and your friend worth more, valued higher.. in the eyes of others too. Kinda like putting on a show whether there is an audience or not, or its just the both of you. In the end, if both parties are convinced of the higher value and closeness of the friendship, who is to say it is not?

Trip back to school

2006-06-22T15:32:00.000+10:00

Yup, as the title says, there i was back in school looking at all the kids in baju kurung la, librarians, prefect blue, pinafore. I couldnt help but giggle and upon seeing the words "usaha untuk kejayaan", promptly burst into singing our school song which last stanza contains the phrase.

My school days were fun-filled, happy days. Largely thanks to the fact that the discipline level was rather slack and the teachers tend to close one eye to students in the upper classes, since we were angels compared to the ones in the other classes. No, im not being a snob or looking down on them, they were just rowdier and more expressive in their discontent. But i guess they also had more to be discontented about. Different backgrounds, different up-bringing, different opportunities.

With the lack of competition, i found myself pretty much running around school doing whatever i wanted. Picture this: when a teacher failed to show up in class, leading to a free period, this usually meant a visiting trip to the staff room would ensue with one of my best friends,Jo & i, checking up on teachers and um.. enjoying the air-conditioning while we were at it. Breaking up fights occasionally, visiting juniors in the other classes, cutting class..crashing classes, driving off for breakfast mid-way when someone had a car, and once when we convince our substitute teacher to do so on his last day, or just simply walking out.

Being in the same surroundings once again, brings nostalgia, and at the same time relieve. Because i know, with all that fun, came a lot of pain and agony too. Lots of mistakes, choices, insecurities & heartaches. A lot of growing up done and lessons learn, leading to who i am in the present. If i had to go through all that again, im not sure i'd make the same choices as i had. Things would be different, could have turned out a whole lots worse, i could have been messed up. Reflecting back, no, i dont think things could have been any better, perhaps only a little and its amazing how things have been fallen out the way it did; beautiful. I have indeed been blessed.

Now its my turn to enjoy and i cant help but look at the kids in the uniforms, and just laugh..

Shutting up.

2006-06-16T03:54:00.000+10:00

Friend just left my house after having a good chat. Was telling him about something i've learnt this week, which we both agreed on; shutting up.

Its when you know something about someone, but you dont need to let that someone know that YOU know. Whats the point in letting the person know? Most often, it will just make the person be wary or feel akward that you know. Or, assume someone broke the trust between them by confiding that to you; nevermind that he didnt explicitly say NOT to tell anyone or the fact that it isnt a big deal or secret. Why the need to show that you KNOW? So you know, does that make you a better person or give you more control, an edge?

Or sharing about someone else to other people [ gossiping?]. My friend was relating about how sometimes when people are dissing or putting a particular person down, how when he knows something abt that person too..that the rest dont know and would probably go 'oOh' if they knew.. he feels its better to shut up. Honestly, what good is there in letting others know about that too? I guess it also depends on the issue at hand. Is wat you're about to say good, bad or just basic info. How u say it too.

So i know something about someone that you dont know about, does that make me better than you? does that mean im closer to that someone as compared to you?

When talking to people, you dont have to let them know you know. Its not having the feeling of contempt in letting the person think you dont know or conversely, feeling proud in showing that you DO know, its more a.. No need la. SHow for what? No need to show off. Nothing to show off.

Adaptation

2006-06-08T02:05:00.000+10:00

I think that as we get chucked into a new environment, and start mixing around with new people, we adapt and change accordingly to what is expected and accepted. Then when we get placed back in our old environment, we switch back to what we were once again before. But that " once again before" is just how we were around the people at home right as opposed to how we were around the people abroad.

Im talking about the 2 years spent in Singapore with the group, and how things are now that we are all back home in Malaysia. Has living, sharing & growing taught us much or are we just back to our arrogant selfs - needing no one , sharing nothing.

Talking..

2006-05-23T03:00:00.000+10:00

Over to Singapore for the weekend. FEELS so good to have talked to SO many people, catching up, having heart to heart talks, sharing of dilemmas.

What is it about sharing that makes us feel so much better? It cant be about just clearing issues, sharing issues on the subject.. thats like.. debates ;) the 'getting weight of your chest' feeling? Finding reaasurance when we confide our problems/fears/hopes with close friends.

Also, sorting out misunderstandings. That, OF COURSE, always feels SO MUCH better after. Overall.. i'd say that it was a VERY GOOD weekend. Even if i didnt get much sleep.

ASSUME: ASS U ME

2006-05-17T18:18:00.000+10:00

Possibly, one of the reasons why im so frank is because i hate people who assume. Its as if im afraid the person will misunderstand me if i dont spit the sentence out bluntly, as plain as possible. I also dislike it when people beat around the bush when trying to ask a favour of me, though i do understand that its actually an attempt at being polite. Most of the time i just play blur which forces the person to come right out and ask me directly - Sorry jo!

Hah, the ironic thing is that, quite often, i assume a lot too. Then my frankness based on an assumption is just, another assumption.

A lot of things are left unsaid, for whatever reason, get cast aside as time sweeps on by. The longer it is left that way, the deeper down it goes and it gets harder to bring up the point.

Then i realised, my parents assume a lot too. Its more of a simply saying things a.k.a jumping to conclusions. ITs so infuriating!! Like if i dont hear them calling me when im in my room , automatic assumption: she is on the phone. Dad will say
'This Su ar.. ALwAYs on the phone, always poh tim wah cuk.. '. And the worse part is, he will always just mutter this under his breathe , so unless i can hear it, he truly believes that and then very not happy about it, possible bad mood later. And WHAT can i do about it? NOthing because .. i dont know, i didnt hear him say it.. and the best part? I WAS NOT EVEN ON THE PHONE LAR!

well well. but what can i do? Unless the person comes to me and brings the subject to surface.

THINK.

2006-05-17T04:25:00.000+10:00

There are people who think lots bout things around them, like analyze and wonder why this, why that, why i feel this way, what made me do that. i just read a frens blog, and she so cute la- posted lotsa why questions on whole loads of stuff. But the ability for her to connect, acknowledge the issues or things; thats what i admire. I suppose thats the reason why she's quick and witty [she really makes me laugh] in conversations too.A really good person to have around, very people person.. hence works for a PR company.

I admire that. But sometimes that just complicates things so much too. Like when the phrase ' you're thinking too much into things' gets thrown at you. Or when we 'read too much into the situation'. Gah!! the solution is of course, to find the balance- as always.

But imagine if there is a line.. like a scale to determine how much of an analyser you are. can i accurately place myself on that scale? but for different matters, we have our different levels. Dont we just make ourselves arrogant by thinking that we do think enough, making us overestimate on the scale and dont we actually limit ourselves by thinking that we do think, bcos a certain sense of complacency settles in that comes innate the assumption. Or how about.. How can i improve myself, making me think more abt what i do? Haha, by blogging. Talking to people. Basically airing those thoughts out kan? Talking out issues is always good , finding where you stand relative to those who are around u, finding that 'hey you're not the only one who wonders on that'.. ie: breaking out of your lil' tempurung?

Hmm.. kan good to have the abilty to connect things lidat? But actually whats the point? to be more responsible? to have people love you more? to extract more satisfaction from d things u do? ALL of the above?

or.. be happy-go-lucky? easygoing. Selamba. Lepaks. Can u still be that way,, and yet think over things? On this, i'd like to think im an easy-going person. Who thinks. Haha..self-praise. Really tho, on some things, its that i DO know whats going on but decide to not let it bother me, and not be annoyed at a person/the situation. Quite trivial tho. so maybe im just, NOT-petty in certain things.

and what about child-like faith? is that simply, choosing to not-think-about it? or a .. no explanations, just believe.

On a sunny Sunday afternoon..

2006-04-20T14:24:00.000+10:00

I was driving to go meet a friend, and there was NO carpark. Super irritating, i was circling the shophouses several times.

Finally, at a row further down, i saw this empty parallel lot whithin ths really long row of cars. I tell you seriously, cars were parked everywhere! and there were loads of other cars trying to find a space too. So i took it even tho' i had to walk a bit, but hey.. i Finally found a space! a legal one too!

then as i was walking.. i saw a perfect empty lot that was nearer.. go figure la.

Anyway, couple of hours later i was done, decided to go home to have dinner but
when i got to my car .. IT WAS SURROUNDED BY DOZENS OF GIANT UMBRELLAS!!

i had parked in the middle of a pasar malam street.

ARGh!! You see the entire street lined with stalls and jammed packed with people, then you see this kind of vacant spot ..why!? BECAUSE THERE IS A FREAKING CAR PARKED THERE! Yes, somewhere in between those 2 hours while i ignorantly left my car there, the other 60+ owners of the car parked in the same street OBVIOUSLY wiser than i, had reparked their cars leaving mine a lone ranger on that street. Sigh.. so instead of going back at 5.. i only got my car at 10pm when most of the stalls had packed up. Even then, had to do some 7-point turn to get it out.

Moral of the story? Always casually mention to your friend,who knows the area better than YOU, where you parked. Dont be reassured by the fact that there are 60+ other cars parked there or that its a legal carpark, if you're staying there longer than 15 minutes .. JUST MENTION WHERE.

-- -
Haha.. can u imagine? .. looking at the stalls in line.. jeruk seller, vegetable seller, hair accessories seller, parked car, yong tau foo vendor, jagung seller.. wait-a-minute.. PARKED CAR?? I just thank God it didnt get scratched.
-- -

Hearing more than words.

2006-04-08T04:43:00.000+10:00

Sometimes people say stuff, which to me is actually fluff nonsense as it brings an underlying meaning. D'you know what i mean? Its when someones says something that sounds as if he's trying to tell you something about someone when in actual fact he's just trying to praise himself. Quite annoying. But then i think, wait, is he just trying to be modest? His own way of being humble? Or can it be he's just really just saying what he's saying and im being to judgmental of people? Other times, fluff stuff are just ObviousStatements, way too petty remarks, judgements of a person from trivial issues, so on.

I use to think that fluff talk was only in school, when we were young and immature and that when we grow up, start working the fluff talk stops, slows into occasional puffs. But it doesnt. Obviously, for work-related stuff maybe, eveything IS more serious, but older people still ramble on carelessly. Just filling up the silence and making conversation you think?

Baah, i hate the way i interpret the sentences people say and see often, their self-centeredness. Too judgemental of me perhaps? We dont always mean what we say, right (?) and often we say things for the sake of saying them. Ah, but that cant be an excuse. We should all just be more careful of what comes spewing out of our mouths.

Life would be boring if everyone was carefull eh..

Natural reaction..

2006-03-08T22:08:00.000+11:00

Once upon in time, back in my sec school days, 3 of us girls decided to cut school. Mind you, this was during some ceramah thing, where all the students [those who had decided to show up] were herded into the open space under one of the school blocks. Only abt half the form 5 cohort was there since SPM was drawing near. It was a pointless day, and 3 of having regretted showing up decided to sneak off. Claiming we were going to the washroom, we grabbed our bags and crept to the side of the building.

Haha, why all this creeping about? Because the teachers and all were situated at the back of the hall.. and OBViouSly we're not able to just walk up to them, say " bosanlah, kami balik dulu" and head home. So yeah, there we were at the side of the building.

The escape route selected was the side of the surau, where the fence which was perpendicular to the wall did not quite meet, with a gap of about a feet. Haha, i remember this way was so frequently used that the last time i used it, i found not only my friend and myself once i got there, but about 7 other students making their way to that spot from different directions. We all just glanced at each other, smilling as co-conspirators.

Yeah yeah, so coming back. We then had to do a 50 meter dash across open space to the surau place. This was our biggest worry, cos the rest of the way was by the side of buildings. so..we DASHED and made IT~! Panting thankfully, we made our way to the back of the surau towards the hole , only to discover.. .. IT WAS SEALED!! the one foot gap had been bricked up!!

NO!! Panic.. what to do now? okay okay think.. then i remembered the side steps by the surau leading toward some apartments, where we could get out via the apartments MAIN gates, typicall double iron gates where the cars drive in from. So we rushed to the steps. Then suddenly .. .

"GIRLS~!!!! "

One of my friends turn back.. and till now i still remember, she said these exact words..
" oh no su! its Rohana! what do we do?!?! "

Moment of panic silence.

. . .

then i whispered..
" RuN!! "

And we hurried down the steps, reached the double gates.. but it was padlocked and wired up!
Think Su.. think. you could push it open the last time tho it was padlocked. Just undo the wires.
FUmble * fumble** PUSh* and mercifully the gates opened. We ran across the main road to the library. Hehe, but not before closing the gates back. How irresponsible to just leave them open.. tsk tsk.

My point is concerning that one moment of panic. The feeling of having someone chase after you.. Natural reaction.. RUN. In other occasions, the reaction is to ATTACk, LasH OUT, Cry, Scream, Avoid,etc etc. . . From time to time, i find myself faced with this immediate desire when faced with a situation. But obviously, its not always the best thing to do.. and quite often, i just have to put the feeling away and think rationally about what to do and not just to react.

Haha, i just had another flashback to my younger days [i was probably seven], where i was standing facing the mirror on the inside of my closet door. While looking at myself, my brother suddenly pops his head out by the side and yells "boo!". I remember thinking it was some sorta scary animal/ creature thing and i screamed. But funnily enough, my first reaction was also to WHACK the thing that popped out at me. And that was what i did. It was like..
" AAaAh~! " (me) THWACK*** run** " Oow.. " (brother)

Oops. Sorry bout that.

Thinking to more recent days.. there i was holding the door of the cab open. Caught sight. Do i call out? Do i just wave? Do i talk things? Do i stop him from walking off? .. . Pop in cab.

Sorry bout that.

Watching people.

2006-01-26T06:01:00.000+11:00

Been doing a bit of that. Some people are just so sure of themselves. Im sure you agree, that when people meet for the first time, we all put on our polite selfs and then try to adapt to each other while figuring and sizing each other up. These confident people remain steady while the others fluctuate to accomodate, find the connection with the person. There is this one person in our cast who is just that. She is so steady; assertive and quite rough, yet super feminine and sexy, damn selamba and lepak. There is also the vice director.. he's also VERY sure of himself. Perhaps a leaning a lil' to the arrogant side.

Well anyway, been talking to a lot of people to. And i was surprised to find out that quite a number of them did something like biz ad, accounting, etc before deciding to jump in to perfoming arts instead. What made them decide so? to they regret their decision? Its a bit unerving to think that i have to make some of those decisions for myself right now. Should i just go with my earlier decision, take the STANDard or rethink the whole thing?

Looking at myself: am i contented with where i am in my life right now? am i seeking out to attain what i lack? and if i know what im doing wrong .. why arent i fixing it? I feel a lazi-ness washing over me so often now. Everything is just procrastinate,"I'll do it tmr", "soon" .Hah. seriously, where is my drive?

Let me just face it. Im probably in one of my lows.
Thats it, im cleaning my room and filling in uni applications tmr.

What drives you? Love? Happiness? Success?

Ooh..

2006-01-07T05:46:00.000+11:00

I have a friend who spent 2.5 years doing an accountancy course and then switched to Theatre and Film and finished that. I asked her, how come it took you so long to switch and she said it took a year for her to realise and another year and a half to convince her family.
So then i asked, what made you decide to switch?

" i did an internship, and seeing things as they were, i didnt want to end up in a desk job, with a fixed time, where guys are all decked up, women wear their hair in buns and you have to suck up to the boss. Here in the arts, i am free. .. . But im still sucking up to the boss. "

Hahahaha . . guess we all have to, until we BECOME the boss.

Seeing things.

2006-01-05T05:41:00.000+11:00

Sigh* .. i just saw the show 13 going on 30 again. I love the way she ended up with her best friend Matt. By going into her future, she realized how much she relied on him and loved him, and managed to get back into her past to undo the past.

sigh.. She's quite a good actress, Jennifer Garner.

Well anyway, something that has been striking me these past few days is a matter on : Perspective. Mostly for people. A person usually acts differently through out the day/week/month/ his or her life, yet we only see the side / impression that we already have of him. So even though he does a lot of other things, all we notice are the particular ones that we already expect him to do. Unless he stops doing those things completely, those times when he does the opposite will go by unnoticed, and our perception of him will remain the same. Considering that we dont see the same people often, this will remain the same. It sad that a person can do so much and yet, when others already have a fixed impression of him, there is little that he can do to change that.

Its like how, we as babies when born, hear all things, but as we grow up,we learn to block some noises from our attention and thus focus only on what we want to hear. Think about our parents, and how only their nagging stands out sometimes. Other kind gestures go by unnoticed/ unappreciated. I supposed at times it can be considered as taking for granted. Thats why first impressions are important. Once the frame has been set of you, it is done so unconsciously and only a great tremble can change the shape.

This is also seen when a teacher favours his students. All their mistakes go by, without notice or perhaps with less scolding and maybe even kindly joked off to acknowledge the mistake. Should it be another lesser student in the eyes of the tutor,- major difference in reaction.

Favouritism. You know how we always wanted things to be fair in school and how it was "supposed" to. At least there were rules made to try to make things fair. I was thinking about the work place. No more rules there and things will definately NOT be fair. And there's nothing you can do about it, its just the way things are. So, you do your best to be as nice as you can be and hope you dont get on anyone nerves and of course, try to get on your bosses GOod side, folly befall upon you if you should not. As an individual, try to keep an open mind and attitude towards others. Sometimes, i suddenly look at the person who is talking to me halfway and think to myself.. 'since when did you change?' and later on realise.. its been like that for some time, i was just ignorant. We turn the blind eye on so many things around us. Not seeing things from different sides. Impossible to see from all angles. But im in the opinion that once in a while, we should at least remember to take a swing to the other side and take a look.

one more thing..

2005-11-27T17:12:00.000+11:00

Ooh, but having said that, i dont just love my ASEAN family.
i also love...
SSS! COUNCIL! CHOIR! and 04S01!

-- not necessarily in that order--

Cleaning out.

2005-11-27T16:30:00.000+11:00

The time has come to pack up my room. Time to throw out all my small junk knick-knacks, used paper, tutorials, past papers .. and so on.

Yup the A's are over. And with it, the ASEAN journey. That, of course encompasses the friends, family and perhaps .. rivals too? Perhaps too strong a word.

I was out shopping today.. [ more like im out shopping everyday~!] and just thinking about all the friends here. How sometimes we can just click and be comfortable with some people and how with others we just cant. Sometimes conversation just flows with certain people, regardless whether i've known them for 10 years or 10 minutes. You just KNOW what to say and that its okay to say it. you dont have to wreck your head thinking of stuff to say. Well okay, of course you think a little, but it comes easy. The easy going enjoyable kinds are: -

a) someone you just met so there are a bazillion things to know and generally, both parties and listening with interest to each other. Means, both listen eagerly and share too.

b) someone whom you can switch to your entertainer mode on. Means, you talk crappy silly stuff and keep other party laughing, adding in comments between the laughs.

c) keep-slamming-each-other-and-laughing mode.

d) someone you dont really know very well, but for that particular reason feel okay telling him/her about the troubles, bitch abt ppl and their habits, confess a fear/cruel deed. Means, the listening view and OThEr view on the situation.

The above are just a few kinds that i encounter. Maybe the last one isn't really suitable to be dubbed "enjoyable" if you're talking abt depressing stuff. But sometimes things just irked us, and we dont mean be unkind in saying them, but its just ANNOYS LIKE CRAZY!! And some stuff you dont really mind, and you just wanna laugh it off.

Then the difficult situations: when people pick on stuff you say forcing you to watch what you say, when they're over-sensitive, when they dont want to listen but talk instead when you try to say something, when they're insensitive to what you're saying, when they lack response so that you just dont know how to continue. i must say im usually guilty of the last situation most, though i have adopted the other attitudes before as well. At times, i just stone up to what people are saying. Its a pretty rude thing to do, and i realised from listening to my cousin talk to my dad the other time, that actually various tones of "ah" and "ha" will suffice! Haha, i know this sounds stupid, but it really works! hee hee... but might sound a bit beng/ lienz. It just shows your listening yeah. Oh another thing is the agreeing with one word bit:- yuppers, correct, i-think-so-too!, eh-yeah-horr, ya-yahh.

hehe. And in any case, if you cant click with the person after several attempts.. just dont hang out the person la. [-- eh if you're reading this and think im avoiding you, pls ar! Don simply think nonsense, its could just be our busy schedules,, ahem.. A LEVELS. Or maybe not. --] . im just recalling seeing someone switch to another group of friends after ... realising its no point to pour so much effort to fit in?

In the end we all end up adapting to the group, cause we would only last with a bunch we are most alike with. Able to comprehend the reactions, tolerate the habits, understand the language [VERY GOOD> absolutely pulchritudinous!], give allowance to each other.

Because all we want is to be accepted.

Regrets

2005-10-18T11:00:00.000+10:00

Its one of those things where you screwed up and could have done it beter, but only thought of it after it was over. Know what i mean? The perfect reaction/solution to the scenario hits you only sometime later. Its awfully frustrating to realize you could have done it so much better if only you had given more thought to it. SO badly wish i could turn back time !! The stupid stupid things that i do..

Like:

PW- answering the question Mr Ducro threw at me. Why-oh-why did i give such a thoughtless answer. Desperation, i think. "Just answer the damn question~!"- went through my head. Silly, silly girl. A good, solid answer- with PROPER, logical reasons could have gotten a band one? i doubt our written report would have made it.
Video for SF- did i think THAT was appropriate to be screened to the entire cohort!? and to think i came all the way back for that. Once again, i was rushing and just to get the tiresome video thing done with and just approved of it carelessly. where was my better judgement.. in fact, where was my judgement at all?
Voting to Boarders Council 05- Did i have to put such a bitch face on? Was rather put off by the fact i had even bothered to come down while others had stayed in their rooms. Coming down with a bitch face was THE pointless thing to do. The result? Projecting a MEgA-ATTITUDE image to everyone else who came down. Where was my self-respect and respect for others?

And more recently, this morning: at farewell assembly. While it i true that they did not inform me about the presentation thing, i did have an inkling and i could have done a better job of it. So embarrassing.. but what could have been done? Scramble to get Kim a guitar last minute? Sang a cappella? Should have worked things out properly thinking on what to do, instead of having the college in a daze listening to the recording. urgh~ memalufying!!

Regrets.. over my A Level results? Something which i definitely do NOT want to feel, and try as i might drilling this into my head and the fact that in order to avoid it, must study study study, i cannot. i will not -- ? I can just see the day, 4 months down the road as we all collect our results in the NJ hall, with B's or maybe C's, while other scholars moan about ONLY getting MerIts on their S papers. Just like how i got a sucky B3 for Bio back in Sec School for SPM. It SUCKS. The replay of the scenario will inevitably occur if i continue in the state that i am in/ have been for the past 2 weeks. WHeRE is my determination!?

Self-pity is something i vow to keep at bay. Yet it seem that right now im swimming in it.. quite leisurely too at that. wake up and smell the STINK OF APPROACHING A LEVELS~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ a description of the exam aptly put by a fellow NJcian]

Seriously, wake up. No one else can help you. --Make the best out of what time remains.

Strings

2005-08-14T04:48:00.000+10:00

Picture this:

"Five year old Angelo wakes up and discovers that his puppy has just chewed up one of his toys. The lil' guy has a fit of grief. Mum's nerves tighten. She snaps at husband Tony as he leaves for the office.

Still feeling the unhappy send-off, Tony greets his secretary with some cold and unreasonable instructions. She picks up the mood, and at coffee-break tells off a fellow secretary. At closing time the second secretary tells her boss she is ready to quit.

An hour an a half later, after fighting heavy traffic, the boss walks into his house and blurt out an angry word to his little son, Nelson, who had left is bike in the driveway. Nelson runs into his room, slams the door and kicks his scottish terrier. "

where does it all end? A person may think he or she had the reason to be upset, but their reaction gave rise to others being upset. What was needed in the imaginary situation was one person who would absorb unjust treatment without lashing out.

Just one.

What we do impacts others, more than we think. A ripple effect. Just imagine if in the above situation if Tony had decided to be understanding and walked into office being a cool, calm boss the chain events would have been broken. Of course at this point i can imagine some ppl saying ' yeah, but so much other things could piss him off as well, triggering more events' . Exactly the same is said if he were to have been steady, totally unaffected by surrounding events. How much more nasty incidents could have been avoided? Those few who are capable of doing this, help make better days, not just for themselves but those who surround them as well.

Well, im sure some people would just decide, " oh, stuff like this is going to happen anyway, i might as well join in and not suffer, endure the bad treatment, feel the stress from not being able to lash out". How selfish.

It was a hasty, thoughtless world,

Sarcastic and unkind,

That chilled the day and dimmed its light,

And left a string behind..

In chain reactions of frustration and anger, we can be where it all ends.

Be the one who breaks it.

[Imaginary situation bit is from my daily devotion reading, Our Daily Bread by RBC Ministries]

Im an ESTP

2005-07-11T15:40:00.000+10:00

ESTP
You're action-oriented...pragmatic (look it up!)...outgoing and realistic. In situations that require resourcefulness, you use your quickness and flexibility to find the most efficient route to accomplishing whatever needs to be done.
You are lively....entertaining...fun...like to be where the action is.... like to participate fully in what's going on.... you are direct with your comments and don't mince words.... you are at your best in situations that require an orientation to the present and a direct, no-nonsense practical approach.
You're active, easygoing, and spontaneous...extremely realistic...curious and keen observers...charming and popular...you're outgoing, versatile and have an endless supply of jokes and stories for whatever situation you find yourself in...ok, you're funny too! You can be good at easing a tense situation...
You like(d) school because it gives/gave you a place to meet friends and to be involved in activities. Oh, yeah. Education and academics were there too, but you don't care so much about THAT. You're action-oriented...likely to be on a sports team or other after school activities.
You'd rather DO something rather than read about others doing activities. You like hands-on experience...you like it when expectations are realistic and when the explanations for a task are clear. You like teachers that are entertaining and make learning fun and active.
You like crises 'cause you can dive right in and fix things. You like to make things happen quickly.... you're willing to take risks, aintcha? You can take charge readily, ESPECIALLY in crises...you can react and make it work...you love leisure and kicking back...you're probably involved in sports, as a fan if not a player...
You're a daredevil at times...as a fan, you're pretty animated and excitable. you like collecting things related to a hobby...you like people who "live on the edge." A perfect partner for romance would be one you can do fun things with...sharing life's up and downs...you like to use your persuasive- ness and fun-loving nature to win over the opposite sex...
You don't like dull routine, even in your relationships....it makes you feel confined...you're pretty straightforward with the relationship, including recognizing when it's over....
Watch out for these things, though...don't over-rely on improvisation.. while you might like putting out those fires, that's no reason to create an emergency...you'll just overload from stress...don't sacrifice follow- through in your work to meet the problems of the moment...don't get too focussed on material things and ignore the things that count, like other people...stop being so blunt and direct! Think about others' feelings...

ESTP: "Everyone Seems Too Proper"

- i though i was an ENTJ or something. guess not =) this does seem pretty on the dot though.

i can handle it.

2005-07-10T08:33:00.000+10:00

"i used to believe that whatever you do is alright, as long as you can live with yourself at the end of the day."

Okay, so the title of my last post was not exactly about what i wrote.. i did realise that , but i just didnt want to come up with a different relevant title.

Something that has been crossing my mind frequently these past 2 weeks..

Arrogance.
-arrogance in always believing you're right, you can and that THEy are wrong/mislead/naive.

Firstly, my own arrogance in believing that i have the ability to "see the larger picture" and always be so clever to be able to maintain the general good of all. Certainly i didnt think of myself of some little miss perfect but i was proud knowing that i was conscious of the things that surround. When you think you're on top of it all, the effort stops, you dont bother, you plummet, drop. You moved, but realisation never hit.

In observing other people. Hello~ please do NOT act like you're some sort of high & mighty queen because you ARE not and this lack of respect towards others and myself just pisses me off. "Do unto others what you will unto yourself". So, thats how you'd want to be treated? i seriously doubt i did anything to deserve you treating me like that.
To others, why are you reacting this way? Would would you have done in his place?
Of course its natural to react that way, you're in the right .. right? Reconsider- gasp* WHAT IS THERE TO RECONSIDER?!THE OTHER WAY IS WRONG~!! forget i even mentioned it. You're mind is already made up.

Looking down on others- [haha, isnt that what im doing now?.. surprise, surprise] . Do you think you're any better? We laugh at others, sneer at their narrow perceptions, their naivity.. so you think you're in a better position? Maybe ignorance is a bliss, some ppl are just happier that way and you're the only one miserable about it anyway.

sigh** sigh** i just think sometimes people are so freaking full of themelves and the solution to that is that we should all just SLap! the point into their faces once in a while to maintain balance. Sad to say, sometimes we'd just rather sit back and not bother. End up suffering more.

Back to my previous post, there is a certain direction that we always must follow.. divine direction, but the tough part is figuring out what that is in the first place. Divine direction isnt a mindset.. its usually stable and anyway requires you to constantly seek it. Some would call it fate. I'd say, what God intends for me. My arrogance has been thinking i can handle it, thinking that i am submiting to Him, thinking that as long as i pour in a lot of effort, some things will definately come. No one ever said it was going to be easy.. but i assumed so, sub-consciously. Tsktsk**

Arrogance= why arent people doing it my way[the BEST way] ?
Never ending ignorance= life of continuous happiness?
Be it the ignorant naive idiot or the ignorant arrogant pig.

"i used to believe that whatever you do is alright, as long as you can live with yourself at the end of the day."

Live like you were dying..

2005-06-26T16:20:00.000+10:00

As i was about to type in the title of this post, 2 options popped up in a box.. " currently.. " and the above, which is the title of a song that my roomie was searching for last night. So, i thought.. 'what the heck, ~okay!'

Last weekend before CommonTest 2. Most people starting to panic, as they realise how much there still is to do. No different for me. Suppose to be doing physics now but i got stuck to com. So might as well write in an entry right?

Just read from the mugtab blog bout "ppl who have no direction in life/ no idea where they're going". that would be me- hand raised up high. Its not that i dont think about it.. well.. maybe not as often as i should, but i do la. And like, consider the people who so called 'DO know where they're going', isnt that like.. having your mind totally set up already? Like you decide..then you just stick with that decision all the way through and as choices come up along the way, you naturally just take the one that is in line with your decision cos, "hey, im headed that way~". Then you get caught up with making sure you're able to head down that path, clearing all the obstacles on that road.. that you forget to look at other roads, consider other options, learn other routes or even why you wanted to go down this road in the first place. You might have changed. Your character/wants/ideas/new objectives? Its not so much caught up, its more like.. 'it became so natural' .

So, having no direction is better? i think that no direction is more like 'going with the flow' *wriggly hand action*. Then could you just end up wondering around aimlessly? or simply choose? One point i read was that, these people end up diving into things and dont know what they're headed in for. But that just .. ignorance,recklessness or lack of initiative on their part. I can still have a direction, but if i made that decision earlier on, when i see my options, i immediately jump into the one that points there (cos i've decided!) , not knowing what im in for. After all its going to lead me to what i want, or so i think.. .In making the earlier decision, i was leaned to one particular option that not considering the other choices came so naturally.

No direction = keeping your options open? not really, maybe just keeping them unbiased. Then just choose. i suppose the difference is not having decision already premeditated before considering options or at least if there is a preference, always be aware that it can change. Thats not being undisicive, its being aware a.k.a can-change-options so that i can suit myself better and thus be happier/more satified with outcome.

But of course along the way, doors have to shut and we have to some general direction, to know which to shut and which we wish to remain availble. SO?!?!?! THATS HAVING DIRECTION LA! yup, but its so wide and highly volatile..that its as good as having no dirction at all~!
=) im just saying that its better to have nothing set in stone and keep on the lookout. Cos if you dont look around, you dont see new things, might as well have stuff in stone.

Coming back to me, and what i said earlier about myself not really thinking about what i wanna do often. Thats bad right, keeping myself in the dark.. haha, wATTODO.. got common test what.. must STUDY! cannot always think think bout courses/keep on finding more stuff! .. or blogging for that matter ;)

Expect the unexpected.. - YOu expect already what, where got UNExpected!?!?
just being aware ma ...

Currently..

2005-05-11T01:39:00.000+10:00

Right now i feel tired, lazy, wishing i could work hard, falling, struggling to keep away, inspired, unable to move, sad, hopeful, glad, envious, glum.

Overlaps one another a bit right? But really, its for seperate situations, and the depth/level of each is different.. though generally the same feeling.

Yup.

Okay, so shall begin from general things. Starting to feel very lazy. See, i've been running around with choir and council so much that i've had no time to do my work. But now that schedule become less mad, i am still not doing the work la.. just cant seem to get my butt down and just do it [even now when i should be doin math instead]. Have i just been using the excuse "im so busy running around, no time to do work and feel too tired" when in actual fact its just been a "TAK NAK~!" all along? Man, i took like a 14hour nap the other day.. been sleeping at 10,9pm promising to wake at 4/5/am .. in reality getting up at 6.45am (the absolute latest time i can get up). Tsk*tsk* . And along the way can still feel motivatd and inspired to do work WHEN I GET BACK, can envision me siting at my table doing loads of work and actually REVISING. Come on la, who am i trying to fool?? - [ so clever ah, can even ask myself that question ] -

So today all this sienness hit me at 630am.. after trying fruitlessly to wake up at 4am. .. and 5am..and 5.30am..and 6 am . So told my roomie " im not going!" then woke up later to see the face of my clock read nine.
did WORK though: GP compre due last friday AFTER extension.

12.30- Table Tennis match FINALS, cheering session, somwhere in Toa Payoh.
WAS GOOD! never seen such a tensioned filled match first hand before, both players and spectators. They had us at the edge of our seats la, reacting instantly to every point gained. Was glad to hear someone praise the new batch of councilors that lead in cheering [got hope!], to see the NJ supporters in strong numbers and to hear the NJ spirit in the participation of the students there. THE NJ SPIRIT- feel it. =)

Then left for a 6 hour session at a friends church to record the Council song. Sang the song so many times la! Was happy with end product. Not professional la, but still pretty okay! Had loads of fun though! hahaha, twirling and jumping around in circles, taking a timed photo shot using a handphone, seeing 3 people play percussions like its a life or death situation.. . COWS! terrible la, make me laugh till i cannot sing! Thankful for very nice people who helped us out for free with our recording and advising us, being patient.. must mention name. ARCHIE MONTE.
Was very tired after.

Read some blogs before coming to my own here. Remorse, over the things i could have done, missed out on, should have done, how close people seem to be, how they feel, how often they blog [haha, oops* compared to mine]. Envious, darnit some of them can write so well.. so much so that i feel compelled to read their every single entry . Really, how i feel the same way for some of them and for others the complete opposite. Struggling to keep away, i must i must. Unable to move, i really should get up and go bathe. Glum, thinking about the mountain load of work i have to do after this, the test i have tmr, that i just retyped half of this whole thing cos it got erased and the fact that i'll probably go to sleep after this, vowing to wake up early but failling to do so.

So yeah, as usual what is the lesson learnt here kids? That i should buck up, change what i can and need to, keep my chin up and make the most out of each and every single moment. Pray to Him for strength, wisdom to realize and change.

Yay, i blogged. Yay, you read this. Yay, i can go bathe now.
3 cheers for me. Go leave a comment. Outz-

Hostelmates..

2005-03-09T21:45:00.000+11:00

About one in particular..
The good thing about living in the hostel, we're able to mug till real late with each other. Like now, just came back from level5 mugging with Eva. Yeah, while doing tutorials [for me] and mugging [for her] we'd have a short short conversation occasionally just to keep us both awake without being inefficient.

Group..
the 10pm meetings in the amphitheater. Though there seem to be less of these this year.
All being more serious about our academics. Though usually there'd be one or two of us around still, mingling with the juniors.. who are replacing our nightly role downstairs.

Sleep calls. Another long day tmr, begining with a council meeting. Outz--

Looking around

2005-03-08T20:21:00.000+11:00

Distantly gaze at a troubled friend's strife,
Wondering how things feel like in his life,
Obtaining a sense of strength for my own,
Helping me feel less sad, less alone.

But can it be truly say it is sadness i feel,
Perhaps its something to be overcomed with will,
Things keep changing; the webs, they grow,
Perplexing, confusing, slowing my flow.

Still flowing, still growing, still glowing..

Falling deeper.. out of it.

2005-03-07T21:06:00.000+11:00

Seems like we're all spiraling down, acknowledging it, trying to find a way out but having no sufficient time to sit down, think, figure out or take action. Because lack of time is not only the problem to the solution, but also the cause to the problem...

Yup, so now we all know why the last entry to this blog previously was 4 months ago. Actually, to be fair, i kind of forgot about blogging. Guess it was shoved waaaay down the Piorities List, which is usually never even completed half way.

I read the entries to a few of my "family" members, and found that they're going throught the exact same thing as me. Big surprise? Nope. Did it occur to me? im sure on some sub-conscious level, because if i had been fully aware of that i would have .. . talked to them about it? Well i wouldnt know what precisely i would have done because quite simply, i DIDNT think about it. At that point, all i was capable of thinking was about me, my stress.

The difference this " new-found-knowledge" makes ? i guess it makes me feel less pathetic. As self-rightous as that sounds [like the whole putting-others-down-elevates-me , except im not pushing anyone], its not a bad thing. OH duh its good for me, helps me put things into perspective and also makes me NOT feel like some emotional lousy sob, but also makes me push the PreSent TouGH situation down the difficulty level to normal and reminds me to reach out to people and not just sit still waiting for people to reach to me b'cos hey, if we all just sit still and moan at our own lives, we'll all just end up bald due to pulling-out-hair-action as a form to destress.

As if my current hair isnt short enough already.

Yup, so the other day of saying " everyone is just so caught up with our own problems that we are not strong enough to actually give support to each other cause we're just too stressed out ourselves. " doesnt have to be true. We have to move out of that stage. But actually we were kinda in the stage where we knew we were stressed, sort of knew others were stressed too, thinking of helping them, not actually helping them but wanting some form of help from some one, yet thinking we are capable of handling it on our own, partly because we think everyone else is too busy with their own stuff [which is actually stress but we just didnt think of adding that in again cause we alreday put it in the equation once] .

Right.

So all this is actually motivating me to sttart studying too. Haha, how about that? Another thing to add to my 'Scenarios,Opinions and Thoughts that make me Wanna STUDY'. Time to start finding things. Like my passion, strength and my 2nd order differential notes.

Which reminds me that i need to clean my room as well as find my sweater which i misplaced somewhere in school.

Caged in my room..

2004-10-01T19:39:00.000+10:00

Came back about two,slept till four plus. Its either to sleep or get up and study. Those are the only two options i have. Man, what a sad life. But no really, in my room, i could actully just be lazying about on my bed reading a novel, FRUITSBASKET maybe?, surfing online, do some artsy stuff, sort the many bazillion things lying around.. Due to promos, the new master plan is to SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT STUDYIN~! my only escape is to SlumberLALALand. Should i be doing anything else, the GUILT off not studying is too much.. Is it any surprised then that i find myself sleeping a lot cause i DONT WANNA STUDY!

Despite all this,its not as if i havent been studyin, i have. i just realized how tragic it is to only be ableto do 2 things in MY OWN ROOM HALLO... whatever happened to hobbies and other stuff? what's so different about my room here and back home..except the aircon, queen sized bed, books, attached bathroom, drawers of stuff.. Hmmm... maybe its just the television in the living room that im lacking. and astro.. oh well...

Time to go back to math..before my guilt starts taking over, but hey, i blogged so i did SOMETHING else other than mug or sleep. *clapclap* . Good thing dinner is in an hour.

Back from home..

2004-09-09T13:12:00.000+10:00

just got back from home yesterday. Slept like CRAZy! but met up with lotsa people back home. wonderin wheter this blog is usefull.. cause i dont really update it. NO time!! seriously. anyway, saw stel while i was back..haha.. and she was chillin with 2 other ppl and this fella named Arthur, whom i played together in a band for some school's prom once. what a small world. Spent lotsa time with ZhaoPhin and Kevin too, which was good =) . HOgan and Shun are seriously startin to look alike. Shelle and Sue.. yeah.. got to meet up with them too!!few noted people here la.. but also erik, ming, wen, arif, carliff, feez, zai, raj, joshua, dali..etc etc. Time is a tickin' , gotta run..

Back from Germany...

2004-07-23T01:59:00.000+10:00

Back from Germany, whoo hooo.. was a fun trip. got to know lotsa people better.. Like how Tomato is actually preparing for baby-sitting..or is it feeding? haha.. was really nice to see all the other choirs from differnt countries participate.
anyway, right now doing project work..and the file is due tmr. lotsa work to catch up on ~! so i will further elaborate on germany .. some other time. i just came back yesterday , today after my last lesson ended at 5 which was PE, did some banner painting which really drained me. i think i'm jet lagging too! or it could be due to the 5 hours of sleep i got. anyway i totally KO-ed on my room floor for half an hour, till i got too cold and decided to go bathe then start on my project work. which is what i should be doing now.. sigh ** Ta's

Something that just dawned upon me..

2004-07-04T02:06:00.000+10:00

- - it just hit me how hard life is going to be here. HOnestly. The amount of work and time that other things take up.

If anyone had told me i was going to be studying in Singapore after my sec years,i would have probably laughed at that person in his face. Then applying for the scholarship [actually my parents applied for me] i thought

"haha. hey yeah.. maybe.. but not likely... no harm TRYING"

Then it was like a dream. i though about how things would be like studying overseas as a scholar. how its would be very university like, how i would study really hard (snoooort*) and excel really well. AND when i got that letter of acceptance providing the ASEAN thing, it seemed like all that was gonna be real!! i packed in 4 days and was here on Christmas Day.

So now, here. 6 months later and one common test done, which btw was terrible but thats no surprise. Truly a wake up call from the 'slack' life before. i realise now what teachers meant when they said we were spoon fed. i guess its also partly because A levels IS like DUH harder than before. But its also a very singaporean thing. one of my Singaporean friends said the other day "you see, we're ( S'pore) just an island, so small and we have nothing! except people...so that has to be really something precious"

Singapore really drives you to the limit, and when the pace of life pushed you down with your face in the dirt, you are expected to get up, continue, and push on harder. its hard on everyone, but the students here are already used to it.

That is exactly what we are supposed to do. TO keep on going, fighting on. Without complaints as that just leads to self pity and also discourages [and some would say shows weakness]. I say, distracts you from the tasks at hand. its easy to feel sorry for yourself.

Hearing some teachers speak the other day, i felt like crying. perhaps from the pressure. i myself am not sure. what i do know is,i will strive on. Relying on God, for with Him all things are possible and He gives me strength.

Am i being silly? No. I'm doing what it takes to survive.